The New Linkin Park Album Is Not By Nasum

I’ve just been listening to the new Linkin Park album. The first thing that jumped out at me was that, in keeping with previous Linkin Park albums, it is not in fact an album by Nasum. This appears to have caused disappointment among their audience, and rightly so. In one case, a fan threw a jug at singer Chester Bennington.

A jug.

I say threw, but it was more a sort of lacklustre roll — the kind of half-baked act of defiance one might expect to be inspired by Linkin fucking Park.

Linkin Park have always been soulless, gutless, wet shit. They are no more a hard-rock-and-metal band than Avril Lavigne. At least Avril (“Avy”, I call her) was able to elicit hatred. So why the sudden consternation about their new record, “One More Light”?

Don’t get me wrong, it is bilge. I mean, it has a song promisingly titled “Battle Symphony” but which sounds like Katy Perry gently pity-wanking an elderly Jonas brother. But what did anyone expect? When you were listening to all the other Linkin Park records what were you thinking? “2002 projections show that this band of whinging, charmless gimps will be the new Motörhead by 2017.”

I’m being disingenuous. I know perfectly well why fans are hypoglycemically lobbing jugs at Linkin Park, and it’s all about the broken pact. With this record, Linkin Park have welched. From the outset the deal was that they’d ship a few overproduced “heavy” guitars. That way you could fill your boots with insipid whining but pretend you were listening to actual rock and roll music.

Distorted guitars can’t make music cool, punk, or rebellious on their own and Linkin Park are testament to that. But they seem to make it easier to believe you’re not listening to the same generic waffle as everyone else, if that’s what you need to believe.

Now all the guitars are gone and you’re left with the same beige effluent there always was. You either like it or you don’t and, if you don’t, you wasted the last 15 years not listening to Nasum.